This morning, enjoying having a day off from work, and thinking about all the friends I shared gifts with this year, I was suddenly hit by a feeling of ...something between pain, absence, and sorrow. I remembered my friend who is not here any longer.

I became friends with *Greg through acquaintances at work about 3 years ago and we hit it off instantly.  Meeting Greg was like finding a long lost best friend and just as if we had known each other our whole lives, we were fully at peace when together. Or so I thought.

A wonderful man and father, a talented musician and one of the sweetest souls I'd ever met, for a while, at least in that first year after he committed suicide, a day did not go by when I didn't think of him. My kindred spirit vanished from the planet without a goodbye or even a sign. Well, there were signs. I just didn't open my eyes to see them.

Greg and I talked about everything that was going on- and a lot of things were going on in his life. He was in the midst of personal turmoil with his marriage, serious financial issues, and on top of it all, had lost his job because the company he worked for went out of business.  At the time, all of his problems seemed manageable and not that serious. I felt he had everything under control. He smiled all the time, was hopeful. I never really fully comprehended the depth of his pain and fear.  Yes, we talked about suicide in abstract terms but I never ever expected that he was planning it the whole time.

I thought by talking to him, giving him a shoulder to lean on, and cry on, and even lending him money to help with the financial crisis was enough. I could not be more wrong.  How could I have misjudged this situation so badly????

We were going to meet up so he could show me the new apartment he had found. He said it was wonderful and he couldn't wait to move. I gave him the money for the first months rent and a deposit so I was sure this was all really happening. We talked about all the fun things we would do once he left his (second) marriage. His kids (from the first marriage) would be fine, I assured him. His kids would not see this as a failure. They would love him for taking care of himself. They would understand later.  He seemed especially stuck on the idea of being divorced twice and what his kids would think.

When I didn't hear from him on the Friday before he was to move, I didn't think anything about it. He's busy. I didn't hear from him on Saturday either. Sunday came and I texted him about how I was looking forward to seeing the new place. On Monday a mutual friend called to let me know ..."I'm not sure if you knew Greg, but, he died this weekend in a car crash."  Of course I knew what happened. I knew it wasn't an accident. No one accidentally does what he did. But for insurance purposes, it was an accident.

I don't think about Greg every day anymore. His memory and his smile flit in and out of my mind when something reminds me of him. Seeing people we knew, hearing music he recommended for me (Avenged Sevenfold), the song he was supposed to learn to play for me on the acoustic guitar (the solo by Neal Schon from Journey's "Any Way You Want it"), and when I think about the people who I love and loved most in this world. He will always be on that list.

Today I have two messages. First, if someone you know and love is having a hard time with life, please take it seriously. Most people do not commit suicide but some people really have convinced themselves that this is the only or best option. That their family is better off without them. That one Christmas with money from a life insurance policy is worth more than a lifetime of Christmases with Dad. 

If you don't have money for Christmas gifts this year, it really doesn't matter. YOU are the gift. Your life, your presence, your happiness is more than enough. It is all that anyone who loves you really wants. If someone mentions suicide or jokes about it, help them to get help. Talk to them, let them know they can tell you anything and you won't judge. If I could go back in time and do things differently, I would. I would have handcuffed him to me and never let him out of my site. 

 My second message goes out to all the people who lost someone precious to them this year. The first Christmas without that beloved person is a hard one and holidays are full of good memories that make it even more difficult. If you lost your mom or dad, grandma or grandpa, sister or brother, or anyone that you held dear, my heart is with you and I wish you only peace and comfort for the holidays and also in 2011. 

Thanks for this opportunity to share my thoughts with you. I wish blessings and love to all you struggling scientists. Keep your chin up and keep your eye on the prize.

Tons of us know what you're going through. Don't be afraid to reach out to your favorite blogger/tweep when you need support.

*Not his real name