After a frustrating year on the tenure-track job hunt, my eyes are still on the prize, and I've learned that sheer will might be the most important quality required for this career track.
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I thought lab work would help, and it did for a little while, but then I had to come back home. I thought Christmas would help, but it just caused a lot more stress and made me miss my family and old life even more. I thought getting the Monkey to sleep better would help, but it's obvious this will be a more long-term battle, which I just can't wait to win. I thought getting more sleep would help, but Hubby taking over night feedings so that I can get enough REM sleep hasn't made a dent.
I'm not in the mood to write these days, at least not about career-related stuff, and I don't really care to write about the Monkey much either. I'm not in the mood to do anything, except go back to work and hide from my new job as a mom. It's finally become obvious to me that I'm dealing with postpartum depression - the crying throughout the day, everyday; the inability to sleep without Benedryl; the anxiety about every move I make; the thought that Monkey would be better with any mother besides me; other things that I just can't/don't want to talk about here.
I'm about to start seeing a therapist, as soon as one that I've contacted comes back from their holiday vacation. And Hubby finally took it upon himself to make an appointment with my primary care physician to talk. This was completely against my wishes, but probably very necessary. In the meantime, I'll be going on a writing hiatus for a little while. I have no idea how long, but I don't want the (self-imposed) pressure to blog to be something else I'm feeling guilty about. The idea that I am so completely miserable being a mom is enough guilt to deal with these days.
I'm sure I'll be back around here or the Tightrope at some point. Until then, I'm planning to continue to lurk/comment on others' blogs...these have provided quite the distraction for me when all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide. See you all on the other side.
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:( I'm really sorry to hear this Dr. O! Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you out. I hope you feel better soon!
Oh, Dr O! **hugs**
You can get through this, I'm positive. Do what you need to to get yourself back on track, we'll be here when you get back! Hope to see you commenting/lurking over at FTTT :)
Dr. O: Please take care of yourself. I'm glad that you will be talking to a therapist. I will hae my fingers crossed that you feel better soon.
Dear Dr O. I am glad you're taking care of this now. And serious props to your hubby for making that happen. *hugs* and I hope you feel better really soon.
<i> I'm not in the mood to do anything, except go back to work and hide from my new job as a mom. It's finally become obvious to me that I'm dealing with postpartum depression - the crying throughout the day, everyday; the inability to sleep without Benedryl; the anxiety about every move I make; the thought that Monkey would be better with any mother besides me; other things that I just can't/don't want to talk about here.</i>
I am so sorry... Many of these feelings are quite normal and common, many women suffer from baby blues. I guess it's the severityof the symptoms that may qualify it as postpartum depression. It's really good that you will go see someone.
Don't beat yourself up. Most first-time mothers are miserable and overwhelmed and can't sleep and feel they are the worst moms in the world (I know I did). Take care of yourself, get help, and try to stay positive. I know you must feel like you are in a fog that will never lift, but it will, and it does get better, I promise. *big e-hug*
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I completely understand what you are going thru. If you ever need a sympathetic ear please don't hesitate to email me.
You aren't a bad mom, you aren't abnormal and you aren't alone. ((hugs)) You are smart and brave and ahead of the curve by reaching out for a little support.
You can get thru this.. there is light at the end of the tunnel.
(((hugs))) Dr. O. I can really feel your pain and frustration in your post. Just know that you're not alone.Talking to a therapist will be very helpful, and I'm sure you'll be feeling better again soon. Hang in there, and please feel free to email me anytime about anything!
I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't going well. Post partum time sucks, and I found the ~6-8 weeks PP to be the start of some REALLY hard times. I think the pressure to try to somehow mesh your roles as a mother and a scientisit (or whatever profession a mother is) is just so incredibly dificult. we're somehow expected to be able to do it all and act like we never had a kid while at work, and be the best mom in the world at home and somehow keep all our shit together when hormones keep fucking with our heads and bodies. I'm glad you're getting help and I am glad your husband is helping you get help too. things really started to settly for me when my kiddo was ~4 months and by 6 months I almost felt like a normal person (except my hair was falling out thanks to PP hairloss)
hankg in there
Boo! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Take your time and feel better soon!
IMO, blogging should never be something to feel guilty about. It's not your primary job, so you should do it when you want because you want to.
PPD is really rough. You've got all the usual awfully scariness of depression, and the added burden of wondering how on earth your kid will thrive when you feel like it's such a struggle to do anything.
It does get better. This stage of parenting- well, it's is a huge adjustment for you, and an intrinsically torturous time in babycare (I mean that semi-literally- it actually helped me to remember that the CIA uses sleep deprivation to break people. That's how physiology works. It seems... evolutionarily suboptimal that babies wake you up so much, but there it is.).
I think that first three month window (or the 'fourth trimester') is harder than anything after that (even though they are a different kind of exhusting when they are mobile and tantruming). And the hormone crash is insane making independently of the sleep deprivation.
All in all, it's extremely hard. The more people that can help you out in any way the better. Getting a great therapist helped me out a lot. Talking to people did too, so if you don't blog try to reach out to people somewhere else to make up for it. Getting better takes a lot of work, at a time when everything takes too much out of you. But you can do this.
I have really few advices here being a man but crying every day, I did; wanting to hide, I did (both a few years ago); anxiety, I (along with the girlfriend) spent 1400$ today and I have about 5000$ worth of cheques to meet this month (january); I really don't care but then, my psychiatrist try to fix me up for general anxiety disorder.
I think the biggest problem is the anxiety. You have both an emotional support network and, with the doctors, an objective one, and that's what count for the depressive symptoms (at least, that work for me) but the anxiety can be a disabling problem (I'll ask my girlfriend asap, she had to deal with it as well as PP and various other kinds of depressions and she studied in psychology).
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. I think it is normal to have some negative or anxious feelings plus feel tired but many people don't want to talk about it. Have you seen the TED talk about parenting taboos? http://www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos.html I know several people who have liked their website because it has made them feel less alone.
I hope you are feeling better soon. Please take care of yourself.
I'm sorry to hear that, good for you for taking time off/seeking assitance. Since you said you'll still be blog lurking, I suggest reading dooce (http://www.dooce.com/) if you haven't already. She's spectacuarly witty and has had two children while battling PPD.
I am sorry you are so down, it is quite unfortunate that the stupid hormones are making this already demanding time even harder for you. Hang in there, get the help you need. The sleep situation does get better, if ever so slowly (my 9 mo old is still up several times a night, but at least not every 2 hours any more - it has been a looong 9 months for us). A day will come when you will wake up and see your life in colors again, and feel so much love for your little one that you will wonder how is it that you felt so differently just months ago; and you will hold on to your baby tight, wishing to slow time down so you can take it all in. I hope this day comes to you soon!
Oh, PPD is hard. I never had it, and honestly, the run of the mill hormonal disruption post-partum was hard enough! I'm glad you're getting help.
If you're so inclined, you might also try adding fish oil supplements. A lot of people think they help with PPD. There may even be some scientific evidence, but I'm not sure about that. Anyway, I take them just because I don't much like fish but do believe the science I've seen on the benefits of omega-3s.
Good luck. We'll be here when you come back.