A former boss at a hedge fund subscribed to the notion that if you don't want to say something to someone's face, then you shouldn't say it to other people, put it into letters, memos, emails or say it during a telephone conversation. He defused a lot of tense situations (they were all day traders) by sitting down with someone. His maxims were:

Never hold a meeting to discuss a situation with a desk, or even coffee/conference table between you, because that won't help put someone at ease. It also just makes you look overbearing.

Never sit on a couch with the individuals in question. Always use individual chairs. A couch can make someone feel you're crowding into their space and they'll go defensive.

Get to the point. And leave it on point. Don't attempt any small talk, someone who takes a more lighthearted approach to life will think you're not that serious and someone who's more serious will think you're not taking them seriously.

Meet with the parties as soon as possible face to face. If the situation happens between different offices, make every attempt at a face to face if reasonable (you don't have to get on a plane).

Do not try to resolve anything over the phone (unless the other party is on the other side of the country/continent/planet).

Do not summon them to your office with a third party or phone call. Find them. Ask to talk to them in their office, if applicable, or in the nearest conference room. Your office will just intimidate the crap out of people.

He was also really good at taking an interest in what the people who worked for him were into. Whether it was sincere or not, I have no clue. But, being able to talk to Person A about NASCAR and Person B about Post-Modernism Art meant that we all trusted him. Made it easier to head off a particular situation before it came up. I still swear he kept dossiers on us. Probably still has one since I left (worked in restaurants again, then med school. Still likes punching people in the face if choking them is out of the question).

Thanks Jay- these tips are all really helpful. I especially do not like small talk when I need to talk to someone about something serious. There is already tension in the air so just get to the point.

Also- the second to last- talking to them in their office, is a good one. With this particular person, I did that this time and I think it definitely made a difference to put them at ease.

TJ- yes- you could blind CC. It depends on who is the aggressor, I think.  I am thinking, let's say you are a grad student or a technician and someone above you is taking out some anger on you unfairly. I think if the person feels they need to have the support of their boss- like they are getting pushed around, I would be upfront and CC the boss. Because you can't talk to other people's employees any way you want. 

I personally would rather know who was receiving an email vs. blind CC. Because then you don't know who else saw it so you cannot explain the situation rationally to all the people involved. When you reply, that person won't be on it. Sometimes full transparency of who is receiving communication is better.

And sometimes the blind CC is just fine, such as when you have everything under control, but want to keep people aware who need to know. Like if it is a customer who is over-reacting and I am taking care of it, but I want my boss to see my reply, I would blind CC.

There are many times when BCC is ok, and I bet people use it a lot more than you realize.

It's one thing to BCC someone else's boss, but your own boss isn't a dick move. Like when I want the boss person to know everything is handled without having to make the other person more agitated than they are.

Actually, I'm with becca regarding BCC. There are very, very few instances in which BCC would be acceptable. To be honest, I'm having trouble thinking of any... I don't like BCC.

never, ever, send an email when you are angry

This. And as a corollary - never, ever, put something in an email that you don't want recorded for all eternity. Yes, folks, email is forever. It doesn't matter that you've deleted it, it's stored somewhere.

Great post Jade.

BCC definitely has its place.  I use it all of the time for mailing lists.  I don't want everyone knowing who I'm sending spam e-mails to.

BCC is acceptable and not douchebaggy if used in the right situations.  TJ and Jade have already mentioned a few instances of proper use.

We had a guy where I worked at before do an email blast (marketing term) to over 3,000 email addresses to notify them of some changes in stuff and accidentally entered the addresses into the CC field instead of BCC.  It caused a fucking nightmare.  Private email addresses were revealed, assholes hit reply all, and then asshole hit reply all to tell other assholes to stop hitting reply all.  It was a clusterfuck.

I dunno. If I were emailing you, and I wanted to let your boss know about the situation, I would just CC them and possibly address the email to both of you.

If I didn't want to 'get you in trouble' or 'rat you out'- I'd state that. Maybe I'd note that I was sure you could handle it, but it was just an FYI for the boss, or I'd give the reason I was including your boss (e.g. there was knowledge your boss would have that would help get the situation resolved).

And if I did want to get you in trouble or rat you out- I'd state that. I'd say I didn't know if you were going to handle it the way I wanted you to and I thought your boss should be aware of it because I thought it was a problem.

Are there uses for B'CC? Oh god yes. Those clusterfuck email SNAFUs... *shudder*. But are there uses for B'CCing someone else's boss that are not better served by CC? Maybe. I'm just not seeing them.

Hi Becca,

TJ isn't talking about BCCing someone else's boss. He is talking about BCCing his own bosses, directors, or HR when something may potentially be passed on to them to keep them in the loop.

Also, when a company is keeping a record of misdeeds on an employee- essentially building a case for dismissal, HR will ask you to BCC them and the person's boss, so there is a time stamped record for their file of when you spoke to the person and what the complaint was. Unfortunately, this is quite common.  I've been asked to provide this type of record on more than one occasion. This happens after several warnings and the person is not showing improvement.

Just another reason to never be unprofessional or insubordinate in an email.

I've managed a lot of folks over the years and the things that have stuck with me is that:

1. People want to feel like they are being validated.  You can totally disagree with them, but as long as you make the effort to *TRY* to see their point of view and then explain yours, they will listen to you with an open mind. Shooting somone down right off the bat will get you nowhere, even if you know you will end up shooting them down in the long run.

2. If i am someone's superior, then down the line, it is my ass on the line if they screw up.  If I see the headlights of an oncoming train, and I know something bad is going to happen I want my superiors in on it ASAP.  If I can't get things back on track, I want the higher ups to know I'm aware the situation is a SNAFU and it wasn't my lack of supervision or oversight that got it there.  This could sorta be looked at as 'tattling' but I look at it more as a CYA situation.  I'm not taking the heat for another person's screw up.

3. You gotta be honest.  Not telling someone how you really feel about their performance etc is not doing anyone good.  They aren't trying to get better, and you are just getting irritated and it is building up.  This is hard since it is so much easier to pretend things are okay, nobody wants to be the bad guy, but in the long term everyone is happier when they really know where they stand.  You don't have to be a bitch about it, but you have got to tell the truth, even if you have to sweeten it up a little to make it palatable.  Consider it 'tough love'. You are only doing it for their own good.

How do I manage conflict situations with my coworkers? First I think they might have a bad day, problems at home, etc. I don't react simultaneously. I need to come down first and only then think on the way to talk to the person. To find a right words an moment to talk, without witnesses.