The Genomic Repairman is currently a Ph.D. student who escaped from the deep south, and studies DNA damage and repair through biochemical and genetic approaches. He intends to use pine away about his scientific interests and rant about the things (and there are lots of them) that annoy him.
My posts are presented as opinion and commentary and do not represent the views of LabSpaces Productions, LLC, my employer, or my educational institution.
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I'm drunk, pissed off after dealing with bullshit and to top it off my computer just died and lost this post so I'm rewriting like half of it.
It wouldn't be a normal week unless I was ranting about shit so here we go:
Dear bean counters, finance dudes, and checkwriting ladies,
Fucking pay me!
Its taken you assholes over a month since approving my receipts to reimburse me and to make it worse I had to deal with your bullshit before I even turned them in. At my institution your travel must be approved before you travel by getting a request form signed by like eighteen different motherfuckers and the shit better be filled in out in the official blue ink and the proper check boxes better be fucking checked or your ass is toast holmes. So like a good employee I submit my request form ahead of time and get everything filled out and you fucking mongoloids end up loosing the paperwork and almost deny me my travel before I travel. You accept no fault for this and even blame me for it yet I have email confirmation from you fucking dumpsterbabies that you have received my paperwork. Finally you scrounge up the paperwork which has some unidentified fucking food stains that you asshole mouthbreathers must have dribbled onto my form while eating your fucking hotpocket for lunch.
Godamn I need a strawberry milkshake. Sorry that's the booze talking.
So now that these assholes are placated I can book my travel on my own dime, and I also have to conform to your travel requirements that I not spend so much per night for hotel accommodations. Well the amount that you give me per night for a hotel room might be enough to cover me if I shared a room in a fucking halfway house with a coke dealing prostitute who wanted to go dutch. After relenting you fucknards actually say that you will reimburse me for decent hotel room rate.
So I go to the conference and do conference shit, you know, show up drunk for sessions, listen to good talks, fall asleep during the shitty ones, piss in the sink because I'm too drunk to make it to the toilet three feet away, you know be fucking professional. So when I return and submit my receipts to you and you guys finally end up haggling me on them, I figured I would get paid relatively soon.
Fuck no. I guess you decide to go back and reaudit my fucking receipts. You give me shit for buying a $2 coke at hotel gift shop, why not go elsewhere and buy cheaper? Because I'm living out of a hotel room in the conference district of this city you stupid motherfuckers, its not like there is a grocery store within a mile or two of here. Oh and thanks for giving me grief for the valet parking, it was cheaper than the garages and honestly other folks that parked in those garages and lots got their shit broken into.
Oooh, Genomic RepairWife has appeared with strawberry milkshake, you're the best!
Where was I, oh and fuck you assholes that my itemized receipt isn't itemized enough, I can't control that shit. For fucks sake I give up, trying to talk sense into you guys is like trying to talk self-esteem into a fat girl. So finally after all this bullshit, you approve everything for the last time.
And I still haven't gotten paid for almost a month since them. You fucking assholes are relentless in your pursuit to not part with money that you owe me. Seriously all this expense is sitting on my credit card gaining interest that you won't take into account while you decide when deign to fucking pay me.
So in conclusions, you cockbites suck so fucking bad, the only way I could properly convey your suckitude is to say that you asshole suck dick and sucking dick.
And fuck you.
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Oh damn! Hahahhaaa.... one of the best drunk rants I've read in a very long time. And I really needed a good laugh tonight, so 'thank you'. :)
Also, wtf? Reimburse the bill already. They are using your money interest-free while you wait. Not cool.
DUDE! YOU FUCKING ROCK! Best post ever. Nominated for the Open Lab 2010 (dirty edition).
"Seriously all this expense is sitting on my credit card gaining interest that you won't take into account while you decide when deign to fucking pay me." Exactly.
Depending on your state, you could pass on the interest accrued due to their tardiness onto them...
Unfortunately I don't think our state is one of them.
The bean counters at this university haven't paid one of our graduate students for 3 months because she's on a T32 grant and "they just can't get it figured out." My boss has been paying her out of pocket until they get it straightened out.
Dude your boss deserves a fucking high five, a hug, and a tequila shot (not in that necessary order). One place where I worked had a liaison officer between the departments and finance and accounting department. He has an BS in science and an MS in accounting and his sole job was just to ride their asses to get shit done and it did. Miss that guy.
Do you work here, with me? I haven't seen you around.
Very much spot-on. Excellent stuff.
Wow, it's not even my money and this post is making me want to start breaking stuff. Seriously, what is wrong with these people, is it in the job description that you have to be completely incompetent since it's pretty much the same at every single university I've ever worked at, what do they do for the money they earn precisely!?
Fuck yeah bro! Welcome back to the mutherfukin blogosphere with a fukken bang!!
At my grad institute they fucking rocked. Paid up real fast.
First postdoc they didn't reimburse me for SfN 2003 to 100%, so I lost $600 bucks. That was half a month's salary. Fucking cunts.
At second postdoc they would lose my godamned motherfukin paperwork every fucking year. My PI wouldn't advance me shit, so I had to use my checking account to stay in fucking expensive hotels and eat out every fucking day for a week. At SfN 2007 (Atlanta) I ended up paying for my fucking hotel room solo because my roommate dropped the ball. My cunt bank told me they would cancel the payment because I couldn't afford it and the hotel were like, "Oh, no probs. We can figure this. We're the fucking Westin Biotches, we're cool."
Fucking. No. Fucking motherfucking asscunt First motherfuckin Tennessee processed the cunting fucking payment and sent me $1500 overdrawn. I couldn't pay my rent, or my credit cards or my bills. I nearly got evicted and my credit rating dropped to 465.
Fucking. Cunt. Bastards.
Now, I travel on a motherfucking advance. Fuck. That. Shit. You fuckes pay in advance for my fucking travel. And when you want the refund, well, your fuckass better get the cheque to me to give back to you. Not my fucking problem now holmes.
Welcome back bro.
Advances, its all about advances. My MS advisor was smart and knew his students could get into trouble since we do our fieldwork in small, poor countries. He wouldn't let his students out to the field unless they got a credit card with at $2000. This enough to get a plane ticket to bumfucksomewhereelse when the shit hits the fan (I left Fiji 5 days before a military coup). That institution was pretty good about getting reimbursements in and he wasn't a stickler about funding, so we got local per diem out of the country, no messing around with reciepts.
My last job were reciept nazis. If alcohol was even a back thought of a reciept, they wouldn't accept it. Got screwed out of a lot of food bills doing work across the country.
Lesson learnt, I won't even book travel or register for a conference without the PI or dept. paying the bill directly. Even when I go speak somewhere or get invited to do some work elsewhere (i do freelance science on occassion). Someone better the bills first before I step on the plane. I'm too fucking poor and have a family with 2 kids to fuck around pretending I'm a high class scientist.
Ah man. I've never understood the non-reimbursement of alcohol policy. The IRS doesn't have an official stance. They only want "reasonable." A couple beers or a bottle of 06 Hall Cabernet ($35) is reasonable. They draw the line at five martini lunches, 1974 Heitz Cab ($4400) or all night Grey Goose shots.
Still, what they won't cover, you should be able to file as a travel expense on your tax return. With the assumption of business and not pleasure. Of course, then what you're claiming can't exceed 2% of your annual gross income, and only half of the total amount can be claimed.
Its not worth claiming for me since I take the standard deduction since I don't have have a lot of other deductions.