Warning:  There is nothing even fucking remotely scientific about this post.  If you want scientific content, fuck off to someone else's blog on here.  But if you want to hear about my one night in jail, pull up a chair and lets gab.

So in my family we usually have huge gathering for the holidays, especially on Thanksgiving.  These gatherings usually include alcohol, outbursts, and the requisite awkward silences afterwards, but are for the most part a lot of fun.  My family tends to get together for big moments in a person's life:  birth, wedding, funeral, or for the interest of this story graduations.  So at 17 years old, I was a pretty decent kid with goals and aspiration that did not completely include boozing up and finding someone to impress and penetrate.  As I was graduating high school, it turned out to be a huge family event with folks coming in from all over the state, let alone the country.  Apparently, most of my cousins preferred to huff gasoline or spray paint instead of attending school, so I was something of the pride and joy of the family.  The night before the graduation I helped my parents get the house setup for the party the next night and ended up driving to the beach with my older cousin.  I intentionally did not drink that night because I knew the asshole cops were out looking for high school kids partying the night before graduation.  So anywho, cousin and I went to the beach and met a bunch of my friends for a bonfire (which was totally illegal to begin with so here is where my complicit criminal past takes off).  Towards the end of the evening/beginning of the morning my cousin took off with another friend so I was left to drive back on my own.  Knowing full well the local law enforcement authorities had a hard on for catching people tonight I drove back home about 5 or so miles below the speed limit.

Guess what, about half way home I got pulled over by a cop.  Two police officers approach my car, one on each side.  Here is where I have to admit somethings:  I wasn't wearing a shirt, shoes (which is against the law in my state when driving), and no seatbelt.  The seat belt mechanism on my car ended up getting cut when some asshole broke in my car in the school parking lot to steal my CD player*.  Anyways, so I know I'm going to catch grief for the seat belt but I have a copy of the police report in my car and the copy of the invoice from the dealership where I ordered the parts for the new seatbelt that had yet to come in.  This was the least of my fucking issues.  The cops question me for driving too slow and I see the cop on the passenger side reach through the window and down below inbetween the seat and door.  Low and behold he comes up with a cup of moonshine that my cousin had brought with him** and I had forgotten he left it there.  Stick a fucking fork in my, I'm done.

So about three minutes later, I'm out of the car doing a field sobriety test while the other cop is basically giving my car the new and improved TSA fucking patdown.  Finally I am told I am being cited for:

-Driving too slow for conditions

-Failure to wear shoes when driving

-Not wearing my seatbelt

-Minor in possession of alcohol

and here is the kicker, Suspicion of DUI.

So 17 year old Genomic Repairman is hauled off to the county jail wearing only a bathing suit and his car gets impounded.  I get the pleasure of repeatedly doing a breathalyzer analysis multiple times and watching the cops get pissed when I keep passing.  I am told that I will be held until the morning at which time a judge will set my bond.  I also get the pleasure of making my one phone call from jail, which of course no one at the house fucking answers***.  Oh and by the way, jail is fucking scary.  I shit you not, I was in a holding cell with a guy who stabbed someone and a couple of folks just arrested for robbery and aggravated assault with a weapon.

So to make a long story short, my cousin has to come pick me up from the jail in the morning when all the family is sitting in the house waiting for me.  Real proud moment for me.  Not to mention my car is in the fucking impound.  But in the end my cousin had to go to court with me and testify before a judge and the MIP was dropped based upon his testimony.  The judge tossed out the driving too slow but I still had to pay $75 for the seatbelt and $25 for no shoes, plus the $200 towing and impound fees.  Guess where all my graduation money went.

So I hope all you folks have a great Thanksgiving and get to have festive celebrations.  Just make sure you have bail money on hand.  We do at our family functions now.

*My car was broken into no less than 5 times in college and the CD player was stolen.  I used to just leave the CD player in the mounting bracket loose so that it could be pulled out and left a sticky note on the CD player even saying so, so that they wouldn't keep destroying my dashboard trying to get it out.  One of the thieves was even kind enough to write thank you on it.

**My mom's side of the family was raised in the rural woods and I mean it.  They weren't raised in a city or a town, but rather a fucking village.  So no one there really cares if you have a still in your backyard.

***One time on spring break my buddy Guvment Cheez got arrested for public drunkenness and got hauled off to jail.  We could bail him out that night but being broke college students none of us had the cash ($800) to put up to get him out.  So we drew straws and I had to call his mom and ask for her to wire us money to get him out.  The conversation did not go well because I was super drunk and almost got arrested myself.  A friend took over notification duty but I was being a drunken asshole and hollered into the phone that at least "her baby boy would get one good meal in jail and that I heard they only serve sandwiches and cock.  And guess what they are all out of sandwiches..."  Sadly, two years later I would have to stand face to face with his mother at a college graduation party.  I introduced myself and she said, "Oh, I know you, you are the sandwiches and cock guy."