Dude at least you have excel plug ins in the new version for pc, Mac lost that when they threw visual basic in the fucking trash. I too hate SAS and would rather take a needle in the eye than work with that.
I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that stats package :P
Outsource bro - convince an epi or biostat grad student to do it for you!
Where I am there is always some show-off that learned R and will give you a plug-in for excel. Or you can find one online. they are usually pretty straightforward, at least the ones I have seen. No muss, no fuss!
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